is this a sign from heaven showing me the light? is this suppose to happen?

I'm a strong believer in everything happening for a reason and God having a plan for each of us. The only thing is having to figure out what the plan is can be really hard. Can be is actually putting it nicely; it IS hard. That just means we have to look deeper within our faith and ourselves for the answer. Before I continue, though, I have to confess that I haven't attended church continuously since I was in 4th grade, I've never read the Bible, and I probably can't name many of the stories that everyone knows from the Bible but that doesn't make me any less religious than the next Christian who does all that. I went to youth group as much as I could in high school because I found a youth leader/group that didn't make me feel stupid or like an outsider because I didn't know any of that, I went to morning Bible studies with my English teacher before school, and more importantly, I believe God and look to him for help/answers. God has a plan for everyone whether they believe in him or not, whether they go to church or just to youth group, and whether they are straight or homosexual. The only difference in the plan during your life is whether you try to fulfill it or not. This all being said, I think I have figured out what he wants me to do. Lately I've been around a lot of people that feel the need to tell me anything and everything wrong with them even if I don't know them. I've heard of so many things thing peoples lives because of the choices the people around them make (like the effects of bullying) on the news, in magazines, and from my sisters. I've heard it all. I'm not quite sure what it is about me that gives people the feeling if being so comfortable around me that they tell me all these things but I think its part of the plan. What exactly is my plan within all this? Well, the more of these problems that I hear repeating, the more I feel the need to take a stand and do something for not only them but the entire world. I feel as though I'm here on earth to defend those that are too weak to defend themselves. I'm not sure where exactly I should start but I am a HUGE supporter of the Make-A-Wish foundationand its always been my dream (even before my uncle died of cancer) to work with them as much ad possible. Also, with all of the bullying going on that is making teenage girls kill themselves, I want to help all of the organizations against bullying go on a more personal level with teens to stop it from getting worse. I want to go to schools and show them the effects of bullying in the realest ways possible so that it will scare them into seeing how wrong it is. These days adults are too nice with this stuff and don't go into detail enough for kids to see how it really affects others. "Don't bully anyone"- yeah, that'll really teach them. My plan, I think, is to help people through organizations like those that stop the harsh, unnecessary evils of the world and like the others that help the sick.
I've always planned on being a registered-nurse specializing in oncology (cancer) but not I don't want to do only that, I want to travel around the WORLD taking a stand for people who wont stand for themselves. Not just for the sick and bullied but for every other person such ad homosexuals, different races, the red cross, homeless, salvation army and everything in between. This, to me, is my plan. However, if I am wrong then atleast ill be making as much of a difference as I can on my way to figuring out what my true plan is.
Now, where to start and how?

here's to the friends im lucky enough to have even though i dont deserve people this incredible....

This week I went up to Appalachian state university to stay with my friends michelle and Pam, and to see my friend Cody. Well actually, I rode up there on Tuesday with michelle and Cody. Since I attend a community college in my home town I see these people once every month or less. I'd forgotten how it felt to be around people who actually know me and don't just pretend to be friends with me (atleast I hope they don't), don't think I'm extremely quiet, and people that i have way too much fun with. Michelle is my best friend no matter what but I've realized how good of friends I am with PAM and Cody too. Michelle is loud and would marry her clarinet if she could (Haha) but aside from that she is completely honest with me, doesn't ever tell any secrets I tell her to anyone else, and she's always there for me whether to support me or just to hangout and have fun with. Pamela is just about the same way as michelle but she's also one of the friendliest people I've ever met. She will always say something to cheer me up which always includes the word honeybunn in it, she will do anything to help me or anyone with their problems and she's perverted enough to make you die laughing without feeling awkward....most of the time. Then there's Cody. He doesn't believe in personal space, will stare at you whether its creepy or not (Haha) and apparently claims to be secretly bitter...especially towards michelle. But aside from all that and the fact that I've only know him a year, he always makes me act EXTREMELY hyper somehow, I can't keep a straight face around him which is unusual for me, and he's always there to listen to anyone's problems. All three of these people have impacted my life in amazing ways and I just want to say that I truely appreciate and love each of them. I've only known each of them for either 1-3 years but they are the truest friends I have had and I don't deserve people as incredible as they each are. I know I'm not the "emotional-mushy" type of person but this week made me realize how much you all mean to me even though I don't talk to or see you that much anymore. I havent even known any of you THAT long but it doesn't matter. Thanks you guys for letting me come up there this week and, more importantly, for being my friends. You honestly dont have any idea how much it means to me and I don't know what I would do without you. If any of you ever need someone to listen or vent to, need someone to go to the doctor with you (mainly those who tend to have unknown illnesses every week), or if you just want to talk, I am ALWAYS here for you. I love you guys!!



P.S: if this creeps you out since its me saying it, I'm sorry.

taken for granted...

I've never completely realized how much I take for granted. I have done so many small and large tasks in my life ranging from learning to walk to starting college. But I ne'er actually sat down and thought about the fact that for so many of those things that have ended, there was that last day that I did each. You don't realize it but there was that last day that you did every single thing you did in the past. We never remember that day though because we move on. But what if we did remember ever time we did something for the final time? Would we regret it? Would we be thankful? I doubt it. I think if we were suppose to remember it then we would. However, that doesn't mean we should forget ever doing it at all. I wish it wasn't true but I will be the first to admit I take so many incredible things for granted. Things such as my home, food, life, my family and my friends. Everyone does whether they admit to it or not. Its sad that this is a fact. There's really no explanation for why we do it but there is a solution to it if you do it every day: take a step back, take a look at how much you have in your life to be thankful for, an think about how much they each mean to you. In my opinion, if everyone did this once a day then they would realize how incredible it all is when they go about their day. Life isn't something you're suppose to just let happen. Life is something that you are suppose to soak up like a sponge and enjoy every minute of it even on your worst days. Make a list of all the things you want to do before you did and get your butt out there and start doing them. What better time than right now?! Embrace it.

just thoughts i need to get out of my head....

* its incredible how universal music is. No matter what language, a single band can be lived in many countries.

* why do voices attract us to certain music types, musicians, people and anything else??

* I will be someone great someday, ill go places and, above all, ill do the things I'm scared of.

* why do girls cry when they meet famous people? Its weird.


* I'm dying to learn o play guitar.

* do dreams mean anything? I've had the same dream 3 times in two weeks.

* I hate chemistry and history. I history repeats itself then why don't we have a class about the current or, even better, the future?


* am I going to be alone forever?

* why are people so mean these days? The worlds scary.

* if you want to know if a musician is actually as talented and down-to-earth as they seem, watch them sing acoustically and if their eyes are showing that they're remembering what the song is about then they're real. I'm sick of these wannabes who only sing about sex and drugs...and tractors. Tell a story not a one-line song about nothing that you repeat over and over for 4 minutes.

* why am I so obsessed with England and mcfly?

* who are my real friends now that everyone's changed and turning plastic (fake)??

......okay, I'm finished. I had to clear all the thoughts out of my head so I can sleep. Well that's not all of them but a girl has to have some things she keeps to herself.

On that note, goodnight world.

who, us?

I believe everyone has different versions of themselves. Not the bipolar way of being a different person at different times but having the person you want different people to see you as. Also, I don't mean everyone is fake or lying. So what do I mean exactly? I mean that every person saves a part of themselves for only them to know they are, they have the person their family sees and then the person that their friends see. All those versions are relatively the same but they achieve have their own different desires and secrets. I know in my case, I'm scared to open myself up to people that I dont really know and also to people that I may have even known for years but wasn't exactly close with. And for some reason, I'm extremely shy around guys. That's just how it is. Now since that is how I am around those people, I've somehow acquired the shield of sarcasm to keep me from being like that in an obvious way. That's how its been since about 10th grade so since then my friends and family just know I'm extremely sarcastic. They don't know that most of the time its when I'm feeling awkward or insecure that I use that sarcasm. On the other hand, inside of me I'm a really open person and not shy at all but I can't be that person on the outside. That's my version of myself.
Beyonce has "Sasha" as her other identity and mariah Carey has "Mimi". Everyone knows they have that other half of themselves hidden inside that they keep from the outside because they will be halfway safe that way. If you put your entire self out there then you can be entirely torn apart. Therefore, nobody is completely what they seem and nobody is completely how they don't seem. Either way this shouldn't be the case. Why are we all so afraid to put ourselves out there completely in the open to show the world? With sarcasm being mine, why do we have our walls built around us to keep us from the possibility of greatness because we are afraid? The fear of rejection, love, death, humiliation or failure are all too small to keep us from who we really can be and what we are meant to be doing. It may be the hardest thing in the world, but we need to put our fears aside, embrace the person we hide from everyone else, and go after life. Because until we do this, until we get rid of those walls, we may never find love. Well, that's my fear atleast but you may never find happiness, success or even fun either. So lets stop making excuses for ourselves and just do it!!

-Mal

summing it up.

Its taken me since January to see how much things have truly changed since high school last June. I've spent plenty of time with my friends first semester to think they had only changed a tiny amount but now that I don't see them but ever few months I see differently. I've learned that they try to be he same people they use to be whenever they're around me and their old friends but they really are so far from that person that they can't even see it themselves. Maybe you've never gone through a change this drastic or maybe you're like I was and can't see it yet but college truly is where your life ends and a new one begins. I don't mean you physically die but the person you use to be does and you turn into someone else. Someone completely different. Lately I've been noticing this with every single one of my friends minus a few. Some have gone against their beliefs and started drinking to fit in, some just rebelled and drink all the time, some sleep with different guys all the time and some are just moving on win their lives. It never occurred to me exactly how much we all grew apart until the conversations were all about who drinks the most or where to go clubbing or, even worse, the entire conversation is all small-talk. Nobody wants to grow apart from the friends they have had for years but I guess that's life. Life goes the way it wants and your just along for the ride. You can't choose where you'll end up or who wig because change is inevitable. However, I'm hoping that some of those changes will bring those now-distant friends close to me again either now or in the future.

Suckuary

Hello earthlings...
Guess what today is the first day of: Suckuary. What is this, you ask? Well ill tell you! Suckuary is the real name for the "month of love" which is usually known as February. When I say month of love I don't mean that to be a good thing. Everyone thinks its okay to forget about the little things all year long but then on February 1st they start planning valentines day dates. What the hell is with that? If you love someone, truely love someone, it shouldn't matter what day it is; you should show them you love them everyday. Screw commercial holidays! So what I say is everyone join me in Suckuary month: the month to show its okay to be romantic every day EXCEPT the 14th. Now, who's with me?

TV vs. Reality

Why is it that all television is used for is to make people think that they're not good enough unless they look exactly as people on shows do. That meaning that you think you have to be a size 00, blonde hair, big boobs, tan and own a tiny dog. Who honestly looks like that? The answer: nobody. Nobody does and nobody should feel like they have to either. The only thing that is partially real on TV is the news and that's not even 100% truth anymore. When I see people on TV talking about losing weight when they are already too thin it makes me think I have to be like that too even though I know I don't. What idea does this put into the minds of little kids? That's where the insecurities start. Little girls see this stuff and think they're ugly because they don't look like that at all. Aside from weight/look issues, TV makes it seem like having sex and getting pregnant at an early age is no big deal. No, actually they make it seem fun. My sister had a baby at 15 so she has realised that the truth is that being a young mother before you finish high school is harder than it looks. Girls, you don't have to have sex to be in a relationship. Whatever happened to a little thing called old-fashioned? Old in the name doesn't make it anything less than better than modern ways. Waiting until marriage to have sex is still very worth the wait. On the other hand, I've never had a boyfriend or my first kiss. What does that make me in Todays society? A freak. Its not as acceptable to most people anymore to be 18 years old and never been in a relationship. I don't know why TV influences the idea of having to go so far before even the age of 13 but that's what they do. Is it THAT weird to want to wait for the right guy to date instead of dating any guy that asks? And is it crazy to want to wait until marriage to have sex? I think not. Maybe I'm the only girl in this planet who doesn't believe in sex-at-first-sight instead of love-at-first-sight but if I am, so be it. I don't think just because its on TV that it has to be the way I think, look and live. I'm my own person who has more commonsense than the average slut. Girls, be your own person! And guys, don't think girls are all suppose to be disgustingly skinny, blonde and big boobed. Love who you are and embrace it.

Three months to live.

When is the last time you took a minute to really sit back and appreciate everything you have in your life? You might want to do that before its too late. As people we go through life thinking "it can't happen to me" when it actually can. The "it" I'm referring to is a disease we all know. A disease that kills more people in one day than any other way of death. The disease we all know as cancer. My uncle was diagnosed with it in spring 2009. I'll never forget the day he found out. He had been having problems going to the bathroom and when he went to the doctor he was told he had cancer of the liver, lymph nodes, lungs, and kidneys. Needless to say, he had 3 months to live. He said that he had accepted it but the rest of the family couldn't yet comprehend this shock. He soon transferred from the local hospital the the Cancer Center in Philadelphia Pennsylvania. After that transfer he ended up living past those 3 months. He went back & forth between home & philadelphia getting chemotherapy. During that entire process he lost around 80 or 90 pounds which made him go from overweight to looking frail, skinny and boney. The week of Christmas was the last time I saw him. I'll never forget the last thing he said. He was bed-ridden at this point and could barely talk while going in and out of sleep. He had been asleep while my family was crammed into his medium-sized bedroom crying just at the sight of his pain. He awoke, noticing this and simply/calmly said, "why is everyone crying?" He didn't want people to cry or feel sorry for him. He had accepted both his death & Jesus Christ a long time before it came to this point. He was the type of person who would blast rock music so loud that he had to go outside but would not go back in until Mr Hanky the Christmas poo was shaken off the wall. He would lay on his porch with his best friend shining laser lights on cars passing by the make then either speed up or slam on the brakes because they thought they were being shot at. He loved spongebob squarepants, south park & even beavis and butthead. Nothing was ever too difficult for him to handle in a calm manner. He died on December 26, 2009.